Jealous Making by K Satchwell Draft 3

Jealous Making (v5).pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 4.8 KB

Draft Three Comments... have YOUR say!

Write a comment

Comments: 2
  • #1

    K Satchwell (Thursday, 23 August 2012 12:56)

    Please note, the wrong draft 2 was originally uploaded. This is the correct version. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.


  • #2

    K Satchwell (Tuesday, 25 September 2012 18:50)

    Draft 3 is a lot closer to the original, but with a more upbeat ending. It's also easier to film than draft 2.

    I'm happy to work with anyone interested in filming this. If you have any questions, or would like further revisions, please do get in touch.


Jealous Making by K Satchwell Draft 2

Jealous Making (Draft 2, UPD)1.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 4.9 KB

Jealous Making by K Satchwell Draft 1

A couple fake an elaborate romance to show their exes what they're missing.
Jealous Making DRAFT 1.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 4.5 KB

Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. We liked this script, liked the idea of Jealous Making but felt we needed to understand set up from the beginning. Although there is a line that says "Hi Fake Boyfriend" is this the best way to introduce the set up?

2. We need to see more inventive ways of them trying to upset their respective partners. Make the fake relationship points higher density. We need to see more of them.

3. It is clear from your writing this isn’t their first fake date. We need to see something else going on as an under current to their Jealous Making.  What if they are having a great time with each other and are actually falling in love but are so focused on pissing their ex off that they would rather choose that, over love? What if the last beat is this fake couple about to kiss authentically for the first time – but choose they go back to their phones when they beep? Think about how you can play with this situation and make the Jealous Making they are intent on almost seem redundant.

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 13 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Louise McCooey (Friday, 03 August 2012 14:26)

    Loved this!A nice slant.

  • #2

    Martin Lejeune (Friday, 03 August 2012 17:39)

    This is a really nice character piece

  • #3

    Andy Robinson (Saturday, 04 August 2012 13:15)

    21st Century relationships! Part of Danny Boyle's Olympic opening ceremony touched on an aspect of this - the story is a very topical comment on how we live our lives now.

  • #4

    C Bacon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 16:43)

    Really great - depressingly (but entertainingly!) realistic, with a huge dash of fun!!

  • #5

    Craig (Saturday, 04 August 2012 17:06)

    Sorry, did have to scroll done to fine the end but it wasn't there.

    Many of the near misses are better than this.

    Do think you layout is a bit close to the make. Putting scene direction in the middle of dialogue and in parentheticals.

    If layed out right, would it fit on 2 pages?

  • #6

    Nathan Gower (Saturday, 04 August 2012 20:29)

    A very interesting idea here! I love the concept, and it is a nice, soft, sad story that will balance nicely with some of the others. I wondered if the ending was a bit flat, though. I'm not saying every story has to have a twist in the end, but it felt as if there was no emotional climax. I wondered if there would be a moment where the two might realize they actually COULD be a couple themselves, but maybe that's two neat/predictable, too. Just spitballing here.

    Good work, and I look forward to seeing where it ends up!

  • #7

    Damian Mallon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 02:30)

    The idea and characters are great. I agree with Nathan that the ending seems a bit flat and I think it needs a little work on some of the dialogue in the later part, but there is a lot of potential for fun here.

  • #8

    Guy (Sunday, 05 August 2012 03:02)

    I think the sorta...empty (for want of a better word)...ending works quite nicely. I'm not rooting for them, so I'm fine with them not having a happy ending.

    I wonder if the dialogue could be even bitchier? For instance just a 'too' after 'Will took me to Paris' makes it sound more like she's competing and less like she's reminiscing .

    Also could you show more of how staged it all really is? Like they've got stuff that 'looks expensive' or summat.

    'wah, wah, near kisses, wah' Give it a rest.

  • #9

    Phil Charles (Sunday, 05 August 2012 14:17)

    Enjoyed reading your script. It’s a lovely idea. But aren’t you giving it all away far too soon in the very first line ‘Hi fake boyfriend’. Wouldn’t it be stronger and more impactful if you led us to believe they were a couple and this was a ‘normal’ valentine’s meal, us thinking why are they taking so many bloody photos. Then we get the punchline, learning exactly why they’re doing this. It felt a little unfinished, although I don’t like the idea of them getting together. I loved the line about nothing making you more jealous than seeing exes suntanned on holiday with their new love. Could this be your last image, them seeing a photo of their exes in this exact situation (tanned and on hols) having just been posted. Just a thought!

  • #10

    John (Monday, 06 August 2012 22:56)

    Let down by clunky dialogue.

  • #11

    K Satchwell (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 20:03)


    Just wanted to say thanks to those who have taken the time to read the script and comment! The feedback is incredibly useful!

    Louise, Martin, Andy, C Bacon - thanks for the positive comments!

    Craig - sorry you weren't a fan. As far as formatting goes, I did push my luck. Will work on that and the general quality of it in the next draft. Maybe I can win you over yet!

    Nathan, Damian - I agree about the ending, it does read flat. Was aiming for ambiguous but positive. Hope to infuse a bit more emotion into the next draft at the very least.

    Re dialogue, (Damian, Guy, John) yes, it could do with sharpening up. Last bit definitely has the clunk factor, have been thinking about how to rephrase.

    Phil, your suggestion is how the script was originally (with the big reveal about it being fake at the end) but I found that because what they're creating is so stereotypical, even with the photos, the build up wasn't very engaging. That said, the twist/climax element is something I'm going to work on.

    Guy - yes, it is meant to be really stagey, wish I could have kept in my original descriptions but had no room! Tried to get the level of effort across with the 'dozens of small candles' but will look at this again.

    Lots to think about moving forwards. If you have any other comments, they're much appreciated! Thanks!


  • #12

    Mark (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 10:54)


    Well done on being one of the 50! I think this one is going to be a nice part of the mix.

    For me, when I got to the end, I was left with a slight feeling that I'd missed out on one beat of emotion. It doesn't need to be a twist, but some extra depth could be interesting.

    I was thinking that both of the characters seem quite similar - of course, they're both in the same predicament, but do you think there'd be scope for them to be coming at it from different perspectives or with different emotional baggage? That could lead to a bit more conflict - whether comic or dramatic - and give us a great sense of them and how they've been affected by getting dumped. Or, if they start coming at it from the same perspective, perhaps one of them then ends up having a different response?

    The other way into this would to dig into the function of the bedroom scene. I'm not sure that you need the whole wedding dress and photos as exposition. Plus, we already know about the 'fake boyfriend' bit from the opening, so the 'here's to jealous making' seems a bit redundant here. It's info about the past and I really want to get more stuff about them now, or in the future. That scene feels expositional and I think it would be more fruitful to get straight into the meat of the action.

    Maybe it's about figuring out what the script is ultimately about. For me, I see it as about what it's like to spend valentines day trying to make someone else jealous? I think there's a twinge of sadness in that, that this script could really connect with and then become fantastic.

    Anyway, these are just some general rambles! As I say, I think it's a great concept and I enjoyed it - all comments meant in a constructive spirit. Please do have a look at mine - Practice Makes Perfect. I'd love to know what you think.

    all best wishes


  • #13

    Martina O'Boyle (Friday, 17 August 2012 16:07)

    I like it, its sweet, but agree that the ending is a bit flat - not intriguing enough and not conclusive enough.
    Maybe one of the partners-in-deception wants to be a new couple, and the other doesn't. He goes in for the kiss, she responds to the telephone beep?
    Also, perhaps he is wearing a tuxedo or suit top, with sweatpants or shorts on the bottom, to show its all fake. She walks around touching up the "set", with mess clearly in the background, before he walks in ready to please?

    Good luck - I look forward to seeing this filmed.