Cloudy Days by Louise McCooey Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Cloudy Days by Louise McCooey Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt that you need to establish a higher stake back story and explain why the mother is not there. We discussed that the situation you had in mind for your characters was that the daughter
was disabled from birth and the mother couldn't cope and left, leaving her entirely in the care of her father. If that is the case, you need to bring that story to the fore. You don't need to
over expose it with dialogue, what visual ways can this be explained, but leave us in no doubt that the mother wants nothing to do with them. Our suggestion before hearing your backstory was that
perhaps his wife was killed a year ago today by a car accident and the daughter left disabled. We just felt to you need to explain what brought him to his current situation.
2. Consider whether you need any dialogue when your character goes into the kitchen himself. Let the actor do their job. They will show the emotion through performance.
3. The backstory – whatever you decide to do with it – will provide an emotional highpoint. Show that despite it all, despite looking out the window at the world going past, he is happy with what
he has.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Love the slant that Louise has taken on this....
Johns love for his disabled daughter,Helen,is unconditional and it is obvious that he has made huge sacrifices for her during hsi life. The kiss is not one of passion but the tenderness by which it is given is obvious and brought a tear to my eye! Brilliant! -
#2
Beautiful, very moving piece and it left me full of all sorts of emotions and curiosity.
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#3
One of the few scripts to feature a non-sexual kiss - really stood out. Beautifully done, the thing of his ex-wife being with a new man was done subtly, can really imagine this on screen. Well done.
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#4
Wow, extremely moving, brought a tear to the eye. Well done, lovely full story. I really felt I knew his life and sadness but the love that drives it is obvious.
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#5
A tender moment in time, beautifully portrayed. Desrves a showing.
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#6
Lousie you have packed a lot into this script but it all works. Very well written.
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#7
Really liked this. A script filled with very real love. Have been desperately trying to think of something constructive to say that might help, but can’t! I’ll post again if something comes to me. Huge congrats.
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#8
Welled up on reading this, so sad.
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#9
A nice tender tale.
The only suggestion I might have is thinking about cutting some of the dad's lines - especially the ones where he's saying what he's feeling - rather write it so that it's more show than tell.
For example - the scene where he goes into the kitchen. I think if written in the right way you could drop him whispering to himself and make it pack more of an emotional punch.
Congrats for making it and look forward to seeing this on the big screen.
Cheers,
Rob -
#10
Thanks for the lovely comments and critique. Rob - I was aiming to make it a pep-talk to himself to highlight how the only person who has his back is himself. The lonely life of a carer. But thanks, I will give give that thought, all critique more than welcome.
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#11
Hi Louise
I actually agree with both you and Rob and think there's a middle ground that might work. Of course, a lot will depend on the actor's portrayal of father … however, I think your intent (and the father's thoughts) can be captured with actions and minimal dialogue. You've already got him bracing himself on the edge of the sink so steeling himself with a determined setting of the shoulders and the forcing of a smile should convey his effort and to accentuate the solitary nature of his labours, perhaps the lonely drip of water in the sink or something similar might add to his isolation? It's such a lovely piece and I think your message is conveyed best with as little dialogue as possible as that, in itself, adds to the loneliness of his life. -
#12
I read this a few days ago but didn't leave a comment and have come back to it.
I really like your story and the use of the kiss, as after all the competition and film is called 50 kisses so the kisses should mean something.
I do think that the John should be more bitter, his life is shit, his wife is off with another man, people pass by all happy. Why does he have to look after his daughter?
When she spits out her food he should be cross and why does he have to watch her film, he wants to watch his own program.
Then she kisses him. That's why he does it. I think this should come very neer the end.
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#13
Hi Craig, phew I was getting worried reading your comment - then I saw the last line. Yes its pure parental love/obligation, there are so many carers in the world who are never recognised, its a sad existance with so so little support, it's only love that helps them keep going.
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#14
Congratulations Louise on a truly beautiful piece. I also shed a tear.
You have portrayed the situation of carers everywhere with great sensitivity and have clearly conveyed that while caring is an obligation for many, it is also a commitment to love.
I look forward to seeing your film made. -
#15
Beautifully written, this entry captured my attention immediately. Personally I found this the most moving and interesting script, congratulations Louise.
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#16
Talk about tearing at your heart strings. Congratulations on making the top 50 Kisses!
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#17
I look forward to seeing how this piece is developed, there is so much depth and emotion to portray. Cleverly written to leave the reader wondering about the circumstances surrounding an absent mother. Well done to the writer!
Write a comment
Nicola Rhoads (Monday, 20 August 2012 14:42)
I was curious to see how you would incorporate the development notes and not ruin the emotion in the script - I felt it was sp well done in the first instance. The 2nd draft really is better, I'm suprised, I really like the kitchen scene now. still extremely moving. well done.
Clare Tobb (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 11:11)
Would love to see this made into a film, done right this would be a very emotional piece.
Louise McCooey - WRITER (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 16:13)
Hi all film makers viewing this script,
I just wanted to add that I am more than happy to help you in the film making process and more than open to look at adapting the script in any way you might suggest.
I really think would make a great wee film that would be memorable.
Thanks for reading,
Louise
Clare (Wednesday, 05 September 2012 10:31)
I'm so suprised this one hasn't been snapped up yet! The emotion in this would be a real tear jerker on screen.
Catherine (Wednesday, 05 September 2012 22:51)
This piece is fantastic, really evocative and rich. I had built an expectation of bitterness as I read, but it was so touching at the end. Would make a unique and memorable little short film. Excellant.
sunny (Saturday, 15 September 2012 00:36)
Can't download script, can you guys fix this? Other scripts work fine.
sunny (Saturday, 15 September 2012 00:37)
Correction: Can't download 2nd draft, 1st draft works fine.
Sunny (Saturday, 15 September 2012 00:45)
It was a browser issue, iexplorer worked. Sorry for spam.