A Kiss Goodbye by Tina Lowe Draft 2

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Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

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Comments: 1
  • #1

    steven potter (Thursday, 30 August 2012 22:53)

    excellent scriipt,,i would like that she comes into his office at the beggining and tell him she is going to the doctors apointment now,,,to let him know that,,,and that she will be taking the rst of day off,,,he looks at her and says,,ok,,he has look of extreme guilt,,because she is going to abort his child,,in the end,,she lets him know that he threatened to fire her if she didnt do it,,,thats her motivation to do what she did,,,easier to film that scenario,,,,i liked this trhis story.

A Kiss Goodbye by Tina Lowe Draft 1

A philandering businessman thinks he can have it all, but his jilted secretary has other ideas.
A Kiss Goodbye DRAFT1.pdf
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Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. Consider strengthening the set up. A couple of our reading team thought the woman in the first scene was the wife, and that the crazy girlfriend had sent a text from his phone. However, the woman in the first scene is the girlfriend - give her a name and establish her character.


2. In the same scene, you say she shows no emotion. We should see some kind of reaction as it allows us to understand why she goes on to do what she did. Even if she facially shows no emotion but does something physically that makes us see that she is bothered. Twiddling with hair, over scratching her arm, white knuckles on a tea cup


3. When she meets with her boss, make a stronger reference the fact the “It’s over text” came from him. This again will help address the first point – it could even be as simple as including a picture against the text that comes through to his phone so we know and establish the relationship between these two from the get go.  


4. Filmmaker note – We don’t need to see the end happen! Let’s try and get an 18 certificate not banned!

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 8 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Damian Mallon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 04:29)

    I like the tone and feel of this. The start of the office scene might be better with a stronger reaction or attempt at (re)rejection from Mark.

  • #2

    Phil Charles (Sunday, 05 August 2012 16:19)

    Enjoyed reading your script. Very dark! Very Fatal Attraction done in a horror genre. Give the woman a name. And when she arrives at the office I’d make it clear she’s changed her outfit, now in her fuck-me heels/top. I really wasn’t sure about the (SPOLIER ALERT!!!!!) slicing off of his bits. I thought she was being cleverer, more contained…setting this situation up to make it look like he’d committed suicide, note saying ‘can’t live with the guilt any longer’ type thing. But I appreciate you’ve gone for the horror genre and some people will love it. I think Mark needs to be persuaded to drink the whisky. Could she do a Sharon Stone type opening of the legs to remind him of what he’d be missing. Then he thinks sod it and downs it. Might a photo of the wife and kids on Mark’s desk help. Minor point, but would he really have a agreed to have dinner with her on Valentine’s, what about his wife. Huge congrats.

  • #3

    Peter Carruthers (Monday, 06 August 2012 01:24)

    Dark! Like it.
    Just a couple of thoughts:
    The bit about the forced abortion seems a bit expositional.
    I think it would get more of a 'wince' from the audience if you forgot about cutting the bits off first, just bring the shredder to him, set it to 'shred' and wait for the screams to accompany the blood.

  • #4

    x (Monday, 06 August 2012 15:27)


  • #5

    Julie Hoult (Monday, 06 August 2012 15:29)

    What can I say except I also love the tone of this script, the characters lift off the page and I can see the characters in my mind and their every move! Love it! Congratulations! What can I say except if anyone out there in the world wants to produce this one then please consider me for the secretary. No harm in selling ones wares! Please view my work via Spotlight or website for Julie Hoult. Many thanks

  • #6

    Steelers fan (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 00:38)

    Great stuff!
    Interesting take on the theme and a little gore is never a bad thing!

  • #7

    50kisses (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 22:33)

    Can I see Ms Hoult angling for a lead role?

  • #8

    Ms. Hoult (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 10:08)

    Hi 50Kisses! But since experiencing a certain talk on 'Manifestng Success' at the Superb London Screenwriters Festival - its made change my ways and GO FOR IT!!!!