Dream Date by Anne-Marie Draycott & Charity Trimm Draft 2

Dream Date - 50 KISSES Submission by Dra
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Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

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Comments: 0

Dream Date by Anne-Marie Draycott & Charity Trimm Draft 1

A couple check into a hotel for some quality time together...
Dream Date DRAFT 1.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 371.3 KB

Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. We liked this but did see it coming. What if the couple were not middle aged, middle class parents. What if it was a young couple that you think will fuck like rabbits. Joke is stronger because it misdirects.

2. How else can you play with the scenario? Perhaps show the frenzy to get out of clothes.

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 17 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Jon Mills (Friday, 03 August 2012 20:23)

    At last! A married couple who aren't in their 70s/dying/dead/cheating on each other... ;o)

    Liked this a lot - felt very real, very genuine. Possibly have more build-up to suggest their going to do something really filthy - I felt the 'just sleep' thing should be held as long as possible. But really liked it.

  • #2

    Ann Murgatroyd (Friday, 03 August 2012 22:25)

    This was great - recognised by all parents, but agree with Jon Mills, more build-up to what everyone will imagine they are there for would enhance the action.

  • #3

    Xareni (Friday, 03 August 2012 23:26)

    Great script, very interesting and realistic. I agree with Jon and Ann, more build up would be nice.

  • #4

    Damian Mallon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 13:12)

    Very nice piece. I have to agree with the three comments above, draw the build up out, the payoff will be better for it.

  • #5

    C Bacon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 12:37)

    Really enjoyable - congratulations!

  • #6

    Marc Lockier (Sunday, 05 August 2012 15:40)

    Formatting Aside, really nice story, agrred more build up would be nice, make us believe more that there only there to wink wink nudge nudge even more. Congratluations.

  • #7

    Phil Charles (Sunday, 05 August 2012 18:13)

    Enjoyed this. A few thoughts. It appears the man is ‘up for a bit’. Wouldn’t it work better if it turns out they’re both just looking forward to getting into bed to go to sleep, the kiss being a goodnight one. You could still make it appear as if they’re preparing to do it, but just have them rip their own clothes off (dying to get to bed) as opposed to each others. Really don’ think we need the cut away to gran and the kids. Congrats!

  • #8

    Draycott & Trimm (Monday, 06 August 2012 12:11)

    Thanks for all the comments so far! We'd be happy to develop the script further with anyone who wanted to produce it. AM & C xx

  • #9

    Brian (Monday, 06 August 2012 13:20)

    I like this A LOT. Gentle, romantic, and funny - just like all good relationships.

    Reading the earlier posts about build up, I think it's fine - the establishing shots scripted at the beginning allow for tons of 'show not tell'.

    A simple, realistic kiss-tory which leaves loads of scope for a director to play with.

    Well done!

  • #10

    I Davie (Monday, 06 August 2012 17:31)

    This is an excellent script, with a great pay off! Hope some good makes it.

  • #11

    Lee Henman (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 13:26)

    This is lovely. I knew there was a punchline coming but I didn't guess it. Very well-crafted and the sentiment will resonate with all parents, it certainly did with me!

    A great idea, professionally written. Well done ladies.

  • #12

    Craig (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 14:05)

    Look at you layout. If your using microsoft word you can set the page up but it's hard. You can download Adobe Story, It's not the best but it's free.

    Like people have said before, more build up. Your reveal is at the top of page 2.

    Maybe the wife could give the old line. "I'll just pop to the bathroom and slip into something more comfortable." And she does, a nice thick pair of pyjamas.

    I think the reveal should come after we see the kids.

    Get it right and will work well.

  • #13

    John (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 17:48)

    Nice one. Just what this competition was meant to achieve. Well done

  • #14

    Richard Green (Tuesday, 14 August 2012 04:43)

    Well done - as a parent I relate :)
    Can I suggest however that, as everyone said, the reveal is too soon, that you DROP the grandparents. I don't think it's needed. That final kiss on the shoulder and his smile, well acted, will say it all. Just my thought...

  • #15

    Wallace Brown (Tuesday, 14 August 2012 17:01)

    Ill-formatted slugs and over lengthy action lines aside, I agree with Phil Charles. Depicting the piece as just another dirty weekend away then discovering all they want is a peaceful night's sleep, would be good.

  • #16

    Martina O'Boyle (Friday, 17 August 2012 15:53)

    cute, but sorry to say, I saw this coming a mile away, I think it has featured in quite a few American sit-coms.

    I agree that if you want the misdirect to work, the couple should look much younger and wilder, so a) we'll all think they want to get frisky and b) we'd be surprised they have kids.

  • #17

    Staré (Saturday, 18 August 2012 15:11)

    Making the couple younger enhances the surprise element. I agree with Craig about revealing what actually couple is doing right after seeing the kids! Good luck.