Unbearable by Nick Luddington Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Unbearable by Nick Luddington Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. Consider changing the location from an amusement arcade to something that a lo-to-no budget filmmaker will be able to source.
2. We need to get into the story of the bears quicker. This is about the progression of a relationship as demonstrated by teddy bears. You say at the beginning that director should focus on the
bears and then have almost a page of dialogue focusing on the people. Consider cutting the dialogue and allowing the story to visually play out...
3. We need more fun scenes of the bears acting out the foibles of this couples relationship. Pay off the promise of the premise. Focus on the bears. Focus on progression of the relationship.
4. There is a short film you should watch called Milk. Shot for Friends of the Earth, it shows two plastic milk cartons in love. Look at how this uses visuals – see if there is anything you can
incorporate into unbearable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRt4lEXkDJs
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
I enjoyed this one. Well written, strong beginning, middle and end. Two love stories going here, one of the people, one of the bears. A lot of thought was put into this script. I look forward to seeing it made into a movie.
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#2
Congrats on getting through. This is a fun, sweet script. Loved the final scene, the two bears having been ripped apart. Could you perhaps tease us a bit in the scene before this. When Mary’s chucking Mike’s things into a box she could miss Maverick bear. We cheer, hurrah, the bears are going to stay together even if the humans are splitting up. But then just as Mike’s about to head out of the door Mary spots Maverick and shoves it in his box. So sad! Hope this helps.
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#3
Great script. I love the idea and it is going to look fantastic.
A great idea there from Phil regarding Maverick.
I really enjoyed this and it's got me thinking about the best way to portray it on screen. -
#4
A fun script, there's a potential for visual humour as well as a gut punchingly sad ending where the audience care more for the bears than the human characters.
For feedback though, I would suggest you ease off the caps lock and exclamation mark button. Only new characters should be capitalised in this script as they are introduced, it makes for much easier reading when wanting to find which characters are involved and when. -
#5
A really great little script! Loved it.
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#6
I'd love to be directing the bears! It's great we don't see Mike & Mary in any detail.
The argument scene is a bit on the nose. I'd be tempted to break it up - the post-coital as a standalone, then 2-3 stages of relationship breakdown. However done, it should make for a little gem, sweet and sad. -
#7
Good dramatic point with the argument at the end, because it started to become too annoyingly sweet and, I'm sorry, but I found the bears analogy unnecessary and a bit creepy - maybe that's why I found the story too sweet - but well written with good command of expression.
You are a good writer and I think you deserve to come up with a better story.
Three stars from me. -
#8
This is going to cost a fortune to make! Have you ever tryed to win a bear from one of them machines??? (that is a joke by the way)
This is one of the best I've read.
Maybe think about giving the bears more life. When the bears are on the bed and the humans begin to romp the bears get knocked into a sexual position and rock back and forth.
At the end when Martha is being held in the window amtbe she could be on her own with her paw against the window and if bit's raining a drop could run down the window as a tear.
As for the kiss, like many of the scripts in the final 50, is quite incidental. It is a film called 50 kisses after all. Maybe when the bears are ripped there could be a slow motion shot of them brushing noses in a brief final kiss.
I look forward to seeing this on film.
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sjones (Saturday, 18 August 2012 20:23)
I like this story and didn't make any comments on the 1st draft. However with the 2nd draft I do have a couple of comments. Why change the initial setup from the amusement arcade to a shop window on Valentine's Day, which is a little predictable. As the first comment indicated choose a location "to something that a lo-to-no budget filmmaker will be able to source" like the atrium to a movie complex with a few arcade machines OR a shopping mall. The comment about the dialog focusing on the people, here you could still focus on the bears, showing the couples hands moving the bears to illustrate the dialog. The last thing is instead of having the bears snuggled by a seat belt, just have them sitting next to each other and with the car door slams close, they lean over so that their shoulders and heads come together.
Jesus Christ (Monday, 05 November 2012 15:36)
I am a Walrus.
Fus Ro Dah (Monday, 05 November 2012 15:38)
Derp