The Moment by Stephen Cooper Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
The Moment by Stephen Cooper Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We liked the script and felt it was strong. However, you might want to have a look at the set up. Why is this man being tailed for a hit? Would setting this up add an element to the story not
there? I.E. Is this guy trying to talk himself out being killed? The set up doesn’t need to be dialogue based it could be something visual.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Loved this entry. I would suggest a couple things. First, the bit about the hitman following his target for a week, that section is rather dry and expository. I would've liked more color in the language, with the mission more implicit rather than explicit. Second, I would have liked to have felt rising agitation in the hitman. A bit more at the end before the kiss, showing his frustration coming to full bloom. It's too stifled at the end, and the switch from that animated frustration to the last line, that sudden retreat would make for a bigger punch. Otherwise, outstanding, and I'd be excited to shoot this baby.
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#2
I really liked this, made me laugh. Some lovely dialogue. If your director gets the right actors this would play out really well on screen. Exposition was leaked out in a really naturalistic way. A few thoughts. Could the moment where Thomas first suggests they’ve had a moment be a bigger beat for our hitman. Totally gobsmacked this person could possibly think he’d have these kinds of inclinations. Could he check out his appearance (are my shoes gleaming just a little too much!?), become paranoid about what he’s wearing. Wonder if there’s anything about his presence (the way he’s holding the gun) that has prompted Thomas into thinking they really did have a moment.
I also like the fact it could be read two ways, Thomas facing death just chancing his arm and seeing if he could get out of the situation somehow. If this was intended, could he be quite surprised when the hitman does eventually admit to the fact they did have a moment. He was just taking a gamble.
Felt just slightly unfinished for me, wanted one more beat. Although I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions. I’ll post again if something comes to me. And give the hitman a name, he’s a very real person. Great stuff.
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#3
Loved this - laughed out loud at the end - tremendously good fun - congratulations!
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#4
Another thought...the word "hit" has two meanings: to kill, and to hit on someone. May consider renaming the piece to Hit, versus the more obvious current title. Just a tad cheekier.
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#5
Great dialogue - could be a really stylish, funny film. The ending doesn't quite work for me, but can't put my finger on it.
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#6
Hello Steven,
Firstly, may I congratulate you on your outstanding entry, and the feed back by :
--- EVAN --- http://sweethomefilms.com/
--- PHIL CHARLES --- researching....
--- C BACON --- researching....
--- ANDY ROBINSON --- researching....
Your story has struck a chord with me for reasons I will explain.
Presently, I make my living as a Hit Man. I have been doing this for to many years to recall. I am very good at what I do. However, I wish to start a family, and my fiancé insists I change my means of making an income. So, I have retrained as a script reader. I offer you the following advice, and if you like, I could flesh out and bullet point the following hit points in a more highly drafted specialist script report that might help you clean up your script. I am prepared to do this for you free of charge. However, what I need you to understand quite clearly at this stage, that what I really want to be is an actor. Daniel Craig is a pussy. I want that role after Sky Fall.
1. Is your story meant to be a black comedy or a relationship drama?
2. Do you think it might be a good idea to show 'On Screen', what the HIT MAN has been doing researching his contract?
3. Do you think the emotional experience the character THOMAS experiences to be reflective of reality. My experience is that someone in Thomas's situation will experience one, or a mixture of three emotional states. Fear, Rage or be expecting my action. Only a psychopath would be so cool and calm and I execute that type more creatively. I am partial to cannibalism .
4. Consider a build up to the intimacy. Many people request of me a cigarette before they die. Even if they do not smoke! It might sound like a cliche, but it truly happens. perhaps Thomas and the Hit Man share a cigarette? I am
a non-smoker. Many years ago, I considered carrying cigarettes with me whilst working. However, I discussed this with my accountant and he estimated that the annual cost would be £7,500 a year and that it was non-tax deductible. So, I decided against it.
4. Approximately, 5/8 of the page on Page 1, the HIT MAN says, "Because I was about to kill you." - Doubt rarely enters my mind, if in the unlikely event it did - I would never say 'was', I would always say 'am', though it might be momentarily delayed, especially if I was sexually attracted to the person I was required to execute, or if they were attracted to me, as this would be rather flattering, as I am rather ugly, but fortunately not as ugly as Daniel Craig.
Good Health to you and fellow film makers. Research is critical gentleman. -
#7
This is a snappy piece and I enjoyed it. There is a bit of work to be done with the flow and finessing some of the dialogue but this is a great starting point. Well done.
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#8
I like it, only change I'd make it the end and have the hitman shooting Thomas after the kiss and him saying "See Nothing". It turns it back into a story about a man in love with killing.
I also like NP Handley's fourth suggestion of changing was to am. -
#9
I like the general conceipt of your script - a hitman falling for his target - but I think there could be a few things worked on here that might punch this script up:
(1) Dialogue. Is there a way to make more of a contrast between the hitman and the target's lines? A simple remedy might be to cut down the length of the hitman's lines - have his dialogue more clipped. Right now it feels like there's a lot of extraneous information that doesn't need to be said.
(2) Like others - would this piece benefit from a different ending? You could do like Rhys Howell suggests and carry it a step further and have him shoot Thomas. Or you could just fade to black after he says, "Nothing."
(3) I don't know if you need the "resigned to death" part - that doesn't match how Thomas behaves in the script. Hitting on a hit man belies a certain type of strangeness that NP Handley hints at in his post. Or, if he's going to be resigned to death, then would it work if Thomas was more hysterical and spoke his lines through tears?
All in all, good job. Congrats and look forward to seeing this on the big screen.
Cheers,
Rob -
#10
Have been reading the feedback both here and on Twitter.
First off thank you for all the replies and interest shown.
I think I can do more with the dialogue and give the two characters a more distinctive voice and that’s something I’m already thinking about when it comes to further development.
Would like to do a little more with their interaction but will have to work out the timing without unsettling the balance of the script. I’m sure I can make it sharper and will have a go.
As for the ending, at this stage I still really like the ending and believe in it. A lot of the scripts here finish on real downers (which there is nothing wrong with) but I liked the idea of this one having a hopefully ending and still leaving the audience with a little bit of doubt as to whether Thomas means it or is just trying to get himself out of trouble.
Will continue to take in everyone’s feedback and wait to see how 50 kisses further approaches the development of the scripts.
Thanks for reading my script.
Stephen.
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#11
Really enjoyed this one, Stephen. With the exception of the small bit of exposition, the dialogue was sharp and funny, and the situation was just brilliant. I have to say, I don't think you are leaning this way, but I vote for the Hitman to shoot in the end as well. Either way, very good work here.
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#12
I really enjoyed the banter in this Stephen - and the surprising direction the script took too. I also struggle with the ending. I would maybe even suggest that the Hitman shoots Thomas first and THEN realizes (with regret) there was actually a moment.
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#13
I like it but I feel there needs to be clear change from a tense thiller to a comedy. This would probably done best by music and would start off dark and heavy and stop when Thomas says "Did we just have a moment?"
Although you have 10 lines of scene description before this line it will only be a few second or so before the line is delivered so would have to come later. About half way through I think.
The music will be down to the filmmakers but you have to give them room. -
#14
Don't change the ending!!!! That's a huge reason why I want to make this. There's enough pessimism in the world.
I do have this cast and scheduled for production, pending 50k's production pack. Looking forward to the revisions and hope to do it justice. -
#15
Don't worry Evan. I'm up for suggestions about the flow of the script and some of the dailogue but I think a hopeful ending works for both the story and project and have no intention of changing it.
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#16
I am very sorry for calling Daniel Craig a pussy and ugly. He is neither of these things.
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#17
Loved this script! My favourite so far. One small thing that I would change - the Hitman needs more of a push to admit to himself that he had a moment with his victim, so after the line 'See, nothing,' maybe Thomas could accept that and say 'ok, get it over with then.' The hitman could raise his gun again but find the challenge to actually shoot Thomas too much, forcing him to admit the moment. Great script.
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#18
SPOILER ALERT. Kill him, kill him, kill him. Good story, well done.
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#19
Hi,
Thanks for your comments on my script Stephen.
I enjoyed this. For me, more than the ending, the key thing is the top half of the second page. Ramping up the tension and the conflict. Someone said that it felt a bit expository, which I think is a good point. Maybe one way of doing it would be to get more specific. Instead of following him around / stalking me, you could put in a reference or two to a specific thing. You could either make this a gag or something more tense. I think that would draw us in more, and help make the characters feel more specific.
The other thing I found a bit unclear was the earlier line "About what we just had." I had to read it twice to get that he was talking about the 'moment' just then. Initially, I thought they knew each other for a long time and were talking about past romance. It could be just me, but either I'd suggest a different line, or adding "just then".
But anyway, great script and I'm sure it'll be a hit with the directors! -
#20
I liked the first paragraph, it sparked my interest, but I lost my concentration in the middle of the page. The dialog revealed information that we've already find out from the explanations; besides, I don't think you suppose to tell the audience what the character feels, which is already obvious from his body language i.e. "He loved to kill." The plot seemed to be slowed down in his tracks.
Two stars from me. -
#21
Does anyone know how 50 kisses will further approach the development of the scripts? Is everything going to be done through here? Because I'm a filmmaker and I'm interested in shooting this one. Congrats Stephen! Great script!
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#22
I'm wondering the same thing Marcela, its really unclear on the website and I'm interested in shooting this one too, clearly a popular one, just wish they'd let us know!
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#23
I prefer a hopeful ending as well. The tone of this screenplay doesnt fit to an ending with death. However for some reason (i cant put my finger on it, still thinking), this ending is not satisfying me either. I have a feeling if we think about it, something may come up. I somehow felt the same thing as Kingsley, after all the trying to convince "we had a moment", if Thomas all of a sudden accepts and says "all right!" this might actually push a button on the hitman. Although it's a short piece, the characters are well described so I can almost see the hitman getting annoyed by this. Congratulations.
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#24
Thanks Stare. I also love the ambiguous ending by the way Stephen, its great that the audience is left with the Hitman's dilemma as to whether or not to shoot him, thats where the humour lies so I wouldn't change it to a definite kill/no kill ending.
Write a comment
Kingsley (Friday, 17 August 2012 19:01)
Hi Stephen, love this draft even more! It responds to the comments and feedback really well, more of a sense of why Thomas is the Hitman's kill, more build up, demonstrates more why the hitman succumbs to Thomas, and so glad you kept the ambiguous ending. Excited to get started on this.
Ann (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 21:59)
Sorry, I just don't get it! Was not drawn in at all (was with many of the other stories) - I felt it was all about the one moment and I wanted more - a back story/wider emotion/ developed plot - nothing really happened apart from one moment....and why?
Anton (Wednesday, 29 August 2012 17:25)
I loved it. Very original, I can see why this is popular. You've got huge stakes (life) and great comedy (flirting).
Laura Davies (Thursday, 30 August 2012 16:03)
I'm curious as to why this is so popular with film makers, it certainly doesn't stand out in such a way as to have such a popular number of film makers, there is also very little room for interpretation, I see a lot of similiar films with different actors. Is this a case of following the crowd? It was my assumption each script would be represented in the final film hense the name '50 Kisses'? Strategically should film makers not choose one with less competition to be in with a chance of winning? My boyfriend is thinking of entering so clarification would be appreciated.
Shaun Bond (Thursday, 30 August 2012 22:54)
A light-hearted, slightly crazy script. I haven't read the previous drafts but in it's current state it would make for interesting filming. Not least of all because it's hard to imagine, with it's popularity, how people are going to make their production different to all others.
Evan (Friday, 31 August 2012 02:03)
Laura, to answer your questions, I can't speak on behalf of other filmmakers but I can tell you why I'm making it. Filmmakers look for several things when analyzing a script. Does it tell a story concisely, are the characters memorable, is there irony or surprise, can it be made on a tight budget, how easy would it be to shoot or cast, etc. I was drawn to Stephen's script because it fulfills most of my requirements. It's a well-told story with a clever twist, that can easily be shot in a single room with two actors on a low budget. And in spite of the simplicity of the script, it leaves much room for the filmmaker and actors to put their unique stamps on it. If the writer and Chris permitted, I bet you could make this as a musical or a puppet show. The variations are limitless, and I expect you'll be surprised by how different filmmakers tackle the same script. As for strategy, I would advise your boyfriend to find a script that is underrepresented (there are many), and think about shooting that one.
Sreemoyee (Wednesday, 05 September 2012 00:03)
Good one! Is someone already interested to work on it?
Popular? Isn't it obvious? (Saturday, 08 September 2012 21:10)
When approaching a script as a filmmaker, after having been first illuminated by the idea, the ‘can it be done without pain’ is first addressed. A lot of the other scripts require production as a real production is done, for the no-budget filmmaker or the guerilla filmmaker, it’s a matter of ‘what can I achieve with what I have actually got’, which for many is not a lot.
THE MOMENT is simple, lends itself immediately to being filmic, (as in you can visualise it straight away) not just in it's mechanical ease to make, but also in it's organic values.
I'd be interested to discover the ratio of female filmmakers to male filmmakers on this whole project and what projects specifically are being directed by a woman as opposed to a man, for which this particular story is way, and far too obvious in it's popular dynamic, and appeal to make as a film.
On an organic level, it doesn't require any emotional investment in it's telling, it plays like a situation comedy sketch, more Dave Allen then Mamet, and that's fundamentally what is appealing to those who have made it the popular choice. I can almost see this acted out by Ben Miller and Alexander Armstrong. There is nothing wrong with popular, however men don't do emotions the way women do, they are afraid to, or more importantly in the hierarchy of that fear, have never been raised to... what a great shame.
Furthermore, I bet they, all the ones who film this that is, will feel the same, look the same, and in their best efforts to try and be different to one and another, will still only reach the same.
Good luck to all.
Staré Yildirim (Wednesday, 28 November 2012 05:33)
Well, i meant to direct this one (im female by the way), however i needed good actors who can speak fluent English in iSTANBUL. So stepped back..I WOULD LOVED to direct this one. I actually will direct it just for fun :) in the future...Meanwhile Stephen and I started working together on a tv show pilot (yes we met here). Being my first directing after 10 years (i had directed ONLY student films back then), this film is also made like a student film. i had almost no crew, no professional cinematographer, no dolly, no monitor, first time 5.5 years old actress..it was tough on set but both Stephen and I (and some others) liked the result..here is a teaser, please dont forget to turn the CC on at the right bottom corner of the frame for English subtitles... hopefully in the future i can also post a version of THE MOMENT that i directed...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8W3NfgHGJPg