RETITLE: Getting Ahead Of Yourself by John Thornton Draft 2

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Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

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Comments: 1
  • #1

    Ronnie (Sunday, 02 September 2012 12:57)

    I enjoyed the story. I read both drafts, and I felt that the dialogue and story of the first draft was better than the second. I agree with the change of location to the bus stop. As for the ending, I enjoyed Johns mind running away. I also thought it would be funny for his mind to be chasing Amy's mind for putting the idea that John was just trying to make her stop crying in her head.

One (distinctly average) Date Later... by John Thornton Draft 1

John plays mind games with himself during a bus ride with his upset girlfriend.
One (distinctly average) Date Later DRAF
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Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. We suggest you change the title of the film as it doesn’t sum up about the script is about. As the filmmakers come to the site and begin looking at the scripts, the first thing that will attract them is the title

2. Again thinking about the filmmaking process - can we change the location of being on a bus to a bus shelter? This would be easier for a filmmaker to source.

3. We felt the ending of the Mind running off down the street may not work - How can you make the ending stronger? What if her mind turned up?  What if her subconscious had been sitting there all the time, just out of shot? Think about how you can play a bit more with the interaction between the mind and the man - can the woman hear any of the conversation? Only one side?

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 7 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Ann Murgatroyd (Friday, 03 August 2012 22:33)

    Interesting concept - a fun piece with a neat open ending.

  • #2

    Phil Charles (Saturday, 04 August 2012 16:55)

    This was a lot of fun. Some great dialogue. Love final shot of John’s mind legging it – no more!!! To confuse matters and bring you more comedy could perhaps Amy mistake John constantly turning to consult his mind for something else. Could there be a pretty girl sat at the back of the bus on the opposite side. From Amy’s POV it would look like John keeps turning to ogle her. Cue more tears! Huge congrats on getting through.

  • #3

    C Bacon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 19:02)

    Really enjoyed this - great ending! Congratulations!!

  • #4

    Stephen Cooper (Sunday, 05 August 2012 00:22)

    I like the concept and the ending. Feel more can be done in the middle but its a good idea overal.

  • #5

    Damian Mallon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 07:27)

    This was a great read and will be a great piece when it's finally filmed. You've packed visual comedy as well as some great lines in there.

  • #6

    Sam (Saturday, 18 August 2012 15:39)

    I feel like the film would be a tonne better if there was no 'mind' but it just played out this hoplessly oblivious guy after a bad date... but that's a different film...

  • #7

    Staré (Saturday, 18 August 2012 15:46)

    I was expecting something stronger at the end, considering the unique element of "mind" here. Maybe at the end we see her also talking to "her mind". Makes me smile :)