Last Chance by Nick Grills Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Last Chance by Nick Grills Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1.The voice over at the beginning is too big and needs both to be cut, and broken up with scene description.Think about how you can use the extra space in the two page script this would give you
to perhaps show some scenes from the past of him going to ask her out, not being able to. Whatever it is that you come up with you have to show examples of him over thinking it, that
is the punchline, setting that up stronger at the beginning will that means the payoff at the end becomes stronger.
2. We felt there was a strange beat at end of the script when she goes inside to get her coat. We’d suggest you rethink this – keep the dialogue, have her pull him inside, or have her go outside with him, whatever you think will work best but the coat beat doesn’t work. Also, perhaps think about where and how you place the kiss - if you have set up that he has tried and failed to ask her out before and that she likes him, would she kiss him to stop him over thinking?
Have your say, what do you think?