First/Last by Stephen O'Brien Drafts 2 and 3
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
First/Last by Stephen O'Brien Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We really liked this concept but felt there was an elephant in the room – wouldn’t there be a virus test to show who has/hasn’t got this disease and who carries/who doesn’t? Is there a way you
can answer this without being too dialogue or exposition heavy? Perhaps it is a new disease and these things are not know? Perhaps this is a new relationship full of passion and risk
taking?
2. We felt this story needed a strong catalyst - at the moment, after five years they really want a kiss and succumb to temptation. We have a suggestion that would mean going back and rewriting
the script from scratch but building on the excellent concept you have. It would answer both the catalyst and the test question. What if those infected by this disease were all kept in a separate
camp for their own safety? The disease is still horrendous, but takes more time to develop. What if someone had escaped from the camp and we start the film with the woman having just been
attacked and kissed – thus immediately raising the stakes of story? Her boyfriend knows that her being kissed by an infected person will mean she gets taken to the camp too, and he kisses her to
make sure they stay together. It’s your decision.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
I really enjoyed this one, kept me intereted from the off.
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#2
Great concept. A couple of notes: The "first kiss" part could come through more clearly. The line is something like "they've waited a long time for this," but their dialogue could make it more clear that neither has ever kissed anyone. I also think viewers will want an explanation (maybe through one of the warning posters?) as to why neither of them knows whether they're carrying the virus, that it's undetectable, there's no test, etc. I wonder, too, if the set-up would be stronger starting inside the restaurant and seeing the lengths everyone goes to, avoiding contact with saliva in an eating and drinking establishment (disposable dishes, flatware, and napkins, waiters and cooks in hazmat suits, those warning posters everywhere, establishing the world and the problem up front.
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#3
It's a nice concept and a easily established setting but I think it would be stronger if Scott, who resisted the kiss were the only to become infected.
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#4
Very cool concept with a great ending. Loved it.
Nice to see a Sci-Fi script here. -
#5
Wonderful setting. Moving and emotional story. I really loved it. I disagree with Martin about Scott being the one to become infected. It's a beautiful story about a woman sacrificing her life to kiss the man she loves. I wouldn't change anything.
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#6
Hi Stephen,
I agree, great to see a sci-fi.
As far as notes go, I was just trying to work out the rules of the infection. Scott's a 'carrier' but he has no symptoms, so he can infect others but he's not ill himself? Maybe it's just me overthinking it but I was left wondering how come he didn't get ill. Could something be added to the set up so that it's clearer how it works?
The more radical note would be for one of them to get infected - say as a result of the meal or whatever - for the symptoms to start, and then other other one kisses them anyway, knowing it will mean certain death.
Anyway, really enjoyed it.
Please do feel free to share your thoughts on mine - Practice Makes Perfect.
Cheers
Mark -
#7
Beautiful in its own way, but now I feel depressed. Not necessarily a fault of the story - just not chiming with my own sensibilities
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#8
This is really cool. The more I think about it, the more I like it. There is romance, danger, love, sadness, guilt, redemption, resignation and in the midst of it all a forbidden act... Wow.
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#9
At last! I'm about a fifth of the way through reading the 50 scripts and I find one that has it.
The competition is called 50 kisses. The storys should be about kisses (not just have a kiss in it)
Mark said that he didn't get how mark is a carrier but didn't get ill. Isn't that what a carrier is???
This is the best so far by far. -
#10
Absolutely fantastic - blew me away - starts off full of fun and left me feeling shattered at the end, all in two pages!! Congratulations!
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#11
really liked this idea. very clever and such a feeling of desperation then devastation. just a couple of points, as others have commented it should be made clear they they have never kissed anyone before. also to emphasise the daily hazards they face, maybe they have to remove their own cups and utensils from the restaraunt, as they leave, wearing gloves, have them carry them all on a tray with a plastic see through cover, they lift up a hazardous material dumpster outside the restaurant and deposit everything including their gloves. Then into the scene...
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#12
Yay! finally a script that makes me excited to film it! Congrats on a fabulous story...definitely want it to be longer!
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#13
Absolutely marvellous, now I want to see a full length movie!
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#14
Wow! Thanks everyone for the amazing and constructive comments!
Just to respond to a few of the comments:
Setting up the world: I did consider showing the inside of the restaurant etc, but elected not to because a) I only had two minutes, and b) those elements would add extra expense to what will be a low-budget film (if anyone decides to make it that is!). I will give some thought though to see if there is a way to incorporate some of this in a future draft.
Scott being a carrier: generally a carrier is someone who carries a disease but has a genetic immunity which prevents it developing in them, and therefore will likely be unaware they carry the disease. With reference to this script, Scott does not know he is a carrier, and as he is genetically immune from developing the full-blown virus, will not die himself from kissing Maz as it takes hold of her. There's a lesson for me here; I had assumed that most people were familiar with the concept of a carrier but I will see if there is a way to make this clearer.
Scott dying instead of Maz: this was the choice for me when developing the script - which one should die? - and I did consider both options. I went for Maz in the end, because - as James mentions - the piece is about Maz risking her life to kiss the man she loves.
But lots for me to think about, so thank you everyone.
Off to start reading the other entries now! :-)
Stephen -
#15
I was very interested in how you manage to convey the deadly kiss theme, but I gotta say this was a great solution. I love your concept. Absolutely beautiful. Well done!
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#16
Really enjoyed this one - definitely on my short list
Write a comment
Craig (Saturday, 18 August 2012 11:46)
Have to use your last line on you.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Liked this so much more before. So tender.
Stephen O'Brien (Saturday, 18 August 2012 15:39)
Hi Craig
Thanks for taking the time to read the second draft and I genuinely appreciate your candid feedback.
For me, the second draft was all about fully engaging in the development process and demonstrating that I could respond to the producers' feedback.
I am happy with what I did with the second draft, but I would agree - on reflection - that the simplicity and tenderness of the first draft is missing.
I feel that a third draft would largely return the story to how it was in the first draft, whilst taking in some of additions of the second.
The beauty of 50 Kisses is that filmmakers interested in my story can choose which draft they want to film, so the first draft may yet live to fight another day! :-)
Thanks
Stephen
Craig (Saturday, 18 August 2012 16:14)
In your first draft you had the part where Maz pulls down her mask and Scott sees her lips full,painted lips. This should be the first time he's seen them and can't resist them.
Also one point I would make, in a world where saliva can kill, would you eat out. Would think there would be no takeways or restaurant anymore.
I will wait to see your 3rd draft.
Stephen O'Brien (Saturday, 18 August 2012 18:28)
Not sure if the producers are accepting/uploading third drafts, but I'll check. If they are, I will write a third draft.
If not, then I will be happy to discuss changes (within the competition rules of course) for either draft with any interested filmmakers - my e-mail address is on the front of the scripts.
Nigel Karikari (Monday, 20 August 2012 12:08)
I really liked the idea and the story - emotional, conflicted, high stakes. I also prefer the new car setting, how the intimacy becomes dangerous proximity really works. Everything about this new draft is stronger. Everything except for the final beat! Just substituting the final beat of draft 1 would make this a great script.
Cheers
Nigel
Paul Cracknell (Friday, 24 August 2012 12:59)
I agree with Craig about the lack of restaurants etc. Maybe you could describe some closed-down/boarded-up restaurants and empty streets to convey the effects of the disease at the beginning along with the posters?
Stephen O'Brien (Sunday, 26 August 2012 18:03)
Thanks all for your comments, much appreciated. I have written and submitted (last Weds) a third draft to the producers, just waiting to see if it will be uploaded :-)
Tom Evans (Thursday, 06 September 2012 13:16)
Love the script, but I have one issue. If there was a 3 month test wouldn't they go and get tested together and then hook up afterwards when they get the all clear.
Perhaps the scene could take place at a testing facility. Scott finds out he has the virus and is about to be lead away by some burly men to live out his life in an internment camp. Maz plants a big wet kiss on him so she has to go with him.