Lunchtime by Phil Charles Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Lunchtime by Phil Charles Draft 2
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. You need to show the progression of the days passing – make it obvious that it happens over a period of time. As it reads it could be mistaken for happening on the same day.
2. You need to put more barriers in your protagonists way – At the moment a gorgeous guy comes to his office every day and is obviously interested – he is too forward, too good looking.
Perhaps your guy, the security guard, needs to have more at stake? How can you make his task difficult?
3. Dream – Could he get to the kiss at the end of the script without having the dream?It doesn't quite fit into the script as is. Have a think about what you could with the extra space in the
script to address the second point if it not there?
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Good flow to the script with a strong ending. Like it.
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#2
Nice idea and great ending but the beats leading up were too samey for me. Needed more progression. Like, their hands touch when he hands over a sandwich. He DOESN'T order the usual one day. He blurts out his name one time...just more of him trying to break through his shyness. Then I would believe the ending better.
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#3
I was initially disappointed by the 'it was a dream' part, but you made the right decision not to end it there and gave us a dramatic ending.
The question of where the dream starts is hanging in my mind though; is it simply the near miss or is it more? Is the whole romance a dream? Then again, does it really matter, and is that the point? -
#4
Stephen, Michelle and Damian thank you so much for taking the time to read my screenplay. Most very grateful. Michelle - your thoughts/suggestions are incredibly helpful and I will certainly be incorporating them in my next rewrite. Damian – It’s just the sandwich shop scene that’s meant to be a dream. But happy for readers to interpret the piece whichever way they like.
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#5
Not sure about the dream part, but he needs something to make him break through his shyness and go for the kiss at the end. Would like to have a visual or aural constant to take us back to sandwich time everyday but otherwise can really see this script working.
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#6
Hi Phil,
Just read your script. Well done on getting into the 50!
From the development point of view, can I offer a small note and big note?
The small one is whether you need both lines:
Forget your lunch box?
(off Mick, quizzical) Notice you usually bring your own.
I feel like we only need one of them. The second seems overkill.
The bigger note is more abstract. It's just wondering about what makes the guy change his mind and finally pluck up the courage to kiss him. I've read it twice now and I don't have an answer, other than that he had a dream and the fact that he was so annoyed that it wasn't real motivated him to try the kiss for real. I wonder whether there could be something deeper. We've got a dude who's really shy - what would make him pluck up the courage?
Is he coming out to his colleagues at the same time too? If so, then I think there needs to be a bigger push.
Could it be that that one day, the sandwich guy doesn't come, and then he realises that he misses him? Or should it be more powerful? Why doesn't he kiss him sooner? What's he struggling against beyond shyness and how does he overcome it?
I hope this is helpful. Please do have a read of my script, Practice Makes Perfect, and let me know what you think.
with best wishes
Mark -
#7
Rachel & Mark, thanks so much for reading my script and taking the time to offer really helpful notes. Very much appreciated.
Rachel – it’s interesting you point out you’d like it to have a visual/aural constant that takes us back to lunchtime each day. I did originally have one. I opened on the lift ‘binging’ and office workers walking out of it past our protagonist. Then every time we came to the next lunchtime we’d here the ‘bing’ of the lift without necessarily seeing it every time. It eventually came out, but will certainly think of putting this or any other new ideas I may have in.
Mark – absolutely agree with you on losing that line of dialogue. As for what finally makes Mick pluck up the courage…he’s really angry with himself after the dream. Rhys had made it blatantly obvious he was interested and Mick had legged it due to nerves. He’s now really beating himself up. But it’s when Rhys comes in the following day and totally blanks him that makes him realise he’s possibly totally blown it. He knows he will have to make a ‘grand gesture’ to make up for his ‘inadequacies’ the previous day. Plus ‘cos he’s not very good with words, it’s the only thing he can think of to do that will show Rhys exactly what he thinks of him. I obviously need to write this a lot clearer on the page for people to get it, so thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t see it as Mick coming out to his colleagues; in my head they’re both sorted, out gay guys. It’s actually how I met my partner (I was an office worker not a security guard). Took me a bloody year to pluck up the courage though not just a few weeks!
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Sven (Thursday, 30 August 2012 15:33)
This script really stands out, great piece.
I think there is also an extra possibility in this, if time allows: Rhys says, instead of moving to another street, that he has another job. So after the kiss, you can actually have an encore: "Ping", elevator opens and there is Rhys, coming out with tie and suitcase.
Phil Charles (Tuesday, 04 September 2012 12:10)
Sven - thanks so much for taking the time to read my script and for offering some really helpful feedback. I'm certainly going to take your suggestion onboard during the next rewrite.