Enough by Kirsty McConnell Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Enough by Kirsty McConnell Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. Location needs to change from fire escape to generic outside location like a back garden.
2. Similarly this doesn’t not need to be set in Glasgow. Open it to filmmakers from around the world.
3. We felt it might benefit from a more 'forbidden fruit' element to why these two can't be together. Suggestion – would this work better as two women who have a history? The bridesmaid, not the
best man? Up to you.
Have your say, what do you think?
-
#1
Nicely written - managed to convey a lot in only a few words.
-
#2
Two pages seems not enough for this treatment...a story in the making.
-
#3
You've really captured the feel of an intimate moment between two people who love each other anough to be happy without being together. Well done.
-
#4
Really liked this - very real, very believable and with a wonderful pathos - congratulations!
-
#5
Is a very good script with a clever idea. Feel a bit more can be done with the dialogue but overal I like it a lot.
-
#6
One thing I have to ask, is the title an homage to the line from (my favourite storyline in) 'Love Actually'? If so, double like! Congrats again!!
-
#7
Yes it is! Also happens to be my favorite plot line too!
-
#8
Brilliant stuff - now, I might just go pop on the DVD... ;-)
-
#9
Love the way we've come in towards the end of their heart to heart - feels very real and not rushed as a result.
-
#10
This feels like an archetypal movie situation, a lot of emotional potential. It should be an easy shoot with the right actors. A couple of suggestions:
You could lose a LOT of description here and free up room for more to happen. That first third of p.1 could easily be cut in half. There are quick edits that would reduce several of your paragraphs from four lines to three, from three to two, or from two to one. I'd trim and see how much white space you have at the end, then ask: what else might be said or done?
As to what IS said and done, would it be possible to reconstruct their dialogue so that we don't know she's getting married until Thomas shows up? As is, she points it out because Jack can't bring himself to say it—and there may be a subtext there, depending on how it's played, to suggest that Jack had his chance with Leila and blew it. I understand why you'd want to keep that moment. But does it blunt the ending?
And is it maybe too much of a 180 for Jack to respond in kind to "I hate you" and then murmur "You smell so safe. Like Home" a few seconds later? That line may just be too sweet and on-the-nose anyway. I don't know any guy who would say it. It might be better to have him say something like, "You're right here, but you smell so far away"—or relate it to a memory of when they first met, or simply compare the way she smells to something more unexpected. Find the right comparison and it may open up their dialogue in a whole new way.
One last nit: I'd suggest changing Jack's name, because when she repeats it as she does, everybody will immediately think of "Titanic," the way Rose and Jack said each other's names twelve thousand times in the last hour of the movie. -
#11
I know I shouldn't but I want to root for Jack to somehow win Leila back before the wedding. I don't want to believe she doesn't love him "enough" for that to happen. Congratulations on making it to 50 Kisses.
Kirsty McConnell (Friday, 16 November 2012 13:40)
*not the write... A Different Kirsty critic here...*
I preferred the first version, the added element of it being the best man made the situation a bit more scandalous and made the implications of an affair carry more weight. The dialogue was better in the second attempt, although I do think the heroine needs to show a bit more remorse, she seems a little cold and uncaring in the second draft.
Predictable yes, but if you really want to spice things up, change Jack/Matt to a Jacqui or a Michelle, or make Thomas instead of Leila be outside. Make one a lot older than the other, be a former teacher or something. The back story needs a little more depth. Character descriptions can make that easier, Matt could be Thomas's older brother or uncle, he could be Leilas step brother. There are so many extra angles to this that could add real punch to your story. A good start, I just think it needs more planning about the connections between the characters, we need more reason to care. The best man storyline worked. The second draft lost that.
Yvonne Millar (Sunday, 11 November 2012 23:26)
I did enjoy this, I thought it was well written, but to be honest it was quite predictable, I would like to see this on screen as the chemistry would be good to see in reality.
Jo (Thursday, 01 November 2012)
Have to say - I actually like the first draft better. There's a bit more subtext and space to read between the lines and I like that we don't know whether they're together or not until later on.
But it's a lovely piece of writing and I really enjoyed the dynamic between the 2. Can't wait to see this on screen!