SWALK by Mac McSharry Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
SWALK by Mac McSharry Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We liked this script, the twist was original. However, we’d ask you to think through the mechanics or theatre of a funeral or wake. Why would the woman leave the coffin, go somewhere and come
back to the house crying? Where is she coming from? We know it is done in the script to get to the reveal but it doesn’t quite work. How can you get the emotional high point and
logisitically get the characters to where they need to be? Does she need to be out the house? What if he walks into the living room and finds her crying only to be confronted with his own
coffin?
2. Look at the formatting - make sure slug lines are clear etc.
3. There could be a potential production problem with the moving pictures – it might be difficult for a lo-to-no budget filmmaker to achieve.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
This is one of favorite concepts among the final 50 scripts. That logline they gave it is a real piece of misdirection, and may actually have enhanced my surprise in reading the screenplay. I still think the surprise will be there without the logline's help, though. I hope a good filmmaker picks this one up.
One note: I'm not sure the pictures need to move in their frames—everyone's association with that will be Harry Potter, which won't be helpful. The photos tell the story of the relationship, and they don't need any metaphysical assistance to do it.
Anyway, nice work. If you have thoughts about my script, "Smasheroo," I'm interested to hear them. -
#2
Love the way the concept played out. A good setup to the twist.
I kind of agree with James' comments about the pics - maybe there are some others ways to just give a small hint that all's not exactly right in world you start us off in. Black and white shots . . . sepia . . . or maybe he's fading out of the pictures . . .
Good work.
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#3
I'm confused by the coffin being in the house...? Is this common in other countries? I've never known ppl to have their deceased relatives hanging out in the living room. Otherwise, I like the script. I definitely was taken by surprise at the end!
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#4
Love it! Totally caught off guard. As for the pictures moving, I pictured something really subtle. A black speck shadow that moves off, only visible for a second or two. Or a jump cut to an only fractionally different pov of the pictures. Something the viewer would only notice subliminally.
Definitely not him fading out - that would give it away!
My new favourite. -
#5
A beautiful, touching story. I agree with the other comments about the moving pictures - not really needed. The details of a young couple at the start of their life together are what make the payoff so strong.
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#6
This could be shot so beautifully. The pictures don't need to move as your revelation point isn't a twist that needs to be elaborately set up. The clues throughout should be subtle as Jon looking but not touching anything.
The more I think about this, the more I like it, and the more possibilities I can see in regards to filming it. Good work.
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#7
I guessed he was in the coffin as soon as we saw it. Maybe that's just because I'm looking for the twist.
Only a few small points:
The pictures moving, WHY???
When Louise comes in, where is Jon's ghost? If he's still there I think he still needs a mention if not you need to say louise enters the now empty room.
But shouldn't she kiss him and then the coffin lid be put on, it's call S.W.A.L.K.
I did like it and will be good if filmed right. -
#8
Enjoyed this. Is there perhaps something he needs to do, a sign he needs to leave his wife, his way of saying goodbye. We won’t understand what it means at the time but then when we get our ‘twist’ ending we’ll get it. Just a thought. As people have mentioned, not sure about the pics moving. Congrats.
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#9
I like the writing style, simple and well written. I thought the kiss was going to come from the lipstick on the cup, with him putting kiss lips over her mark. Effective twist ending, nice work.
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#10
Very clever. The first clue to an early demise was the lipstick on the coffee cup, not yet washed, a couple of days old? This caused me to walk right in to the twist at the end, nicely executed. (!) Good lay out and lead up, history was well done, simple but effective.
i liked the 'moving pictures' gave a break from the stillness of no dialogue.
I don't understand the title, but I loved the script, a clear winner. -
#11
Finally got around to reading this one, and what a thrill it was! I simply love this concept. I personally didn't see the twist coming, and assumed he was prepping for the funeral of his wife.
My only hesitation was when we see the coffin in the living room. As someone else mentioned, maybe this is common practice somewhere, but for me (an American), it didn't make sense, and drew me out of an otherwise brilliant story.
On a brief note about the pictures moving: I could go either way here, as long as the movement is REALLY subtle. Then again, I'm wondering what we gain here. Why would the pictures move just because John is dead? Does his presence make other things supernatural?
Great work!
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