'Countdown' by Oliver Drew Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
'Countdown' by Oliver Drew Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We really liked the ticking bomb. Nothing adds tension to a situation like a countdown. We need to come into this script believing they have been there for two hours plus. These characters are
already bonded. They have been through it. The next two minutes should be run in real time and be the emotional high point of their experience. As such, review the dialogue and see if this is
reflecting this.
2. We felt that it would be more likely that the blind woman was panicing – the bomb expert having been trained for these situations. Perhaps he calms her down with the kiss rather than the way
it is currently?
3. It was the right decision to end on the wire being cut – we don’t know which one has been cut. Keep the ending.
Have your say, what do you think?
-
#1
Excellent story! Congratulations!
-
#2
Great
-
#3
Congratulations, thanks for the read.
-
#4
Loved it...only question is, does the fact that she's blind have any bearing on the story itself? Just curious as to why make that choice?
-
#5
Really good. Well done! I wondered what bearing the blindness had, other than the fact she overhears his conversation when otherwise she probably wouldn't have, but I think it gives it an interesting edge, something different, and perhaps adds another level to her character and situation, plus the way he responds to her.
-
#6
The blindness gives a reason why Abigail remains calm when she is surrounded by very strong, violent and threatening visuals. Also, if she wasn't blind, she would not have sat on a chair with a pressure pad attached with an explosive device.
I am puzzled as the relevance of her closing her eyes at the end.
I do like this though.
-
#7
I didn't pick up on the eye closing thing, but it seemed a nice moment. Easy to nit pick though I think. Overall, very strong piece. I like that it makes you ask questions, how did she get there, who is the guy who did this etc. I think definitely one of the 50 that could stand out as a finished film. Many others, although strong, perhaps bleed together after a while, dealing with similar themes, which I guess is the point of this whole project, but this one is dramatic and memorable, which can only be a good thing I reckon. Really looking forward to seeing how the 50 come together.
-
#8
Abigail seems to respond to the visual, "Dalton is taken aback." Might throw in a word of dialogue for Dalton at that point, something as brief and broken as "I...", just to give Abigail something to respond to with her explanation that other senses compensate...
...then again, does she need to give that explanation at all? She's heard Dalton's side of the conversation, we can assume that much; the brief pause in his dialogue afterwards is enough to let her know, in a believable way, that he's been ordered out.
All in all, though, I'm with the consensus - I like it a lot. And I'd say that her closing her eyes at the end is a needed visual, though it needn't be /that/ visual - we could see her eyes beginning to water and an uncertain but certainly happy smile as she stares into space, pleased to have found a decent date after all on Valentines day... even if they might be about to blow up...
And for that ambiguous ending, our not knowing what happened... I love it! Let's just hope there isn't another script out there, beginning with an explosion in the distance, which yours is edited next to in the finished film. The ambiguity, I love; don't think I could cope with the tragedy. -
#9
Great script, with a terrific ending - congratulations!
-
#10
Oh, I love this! Ending especially...well done!
-
#11
the tension build is really terrific - her line "It's OK", as simple as that is, makes us root for her more; only critique, some on-the-nose dialogue; otherwise, great story
-
#12
Thank you everyone for all the feedback, I'm really thrilled to have made the final 50! Honestly didn't think I had much of a chance as I conceived and wrote this in a couple of hours on the day of the deadline almost out of frustration, having been working on a totally different idea up to that point, which I was struggling with. Consequently there are a few aspects I would have liked to work on more, so I'm looking forward to the development process and how the 50 are all brought together. Congrats to everyone else who made it and unlucky to those who didn't. I've read some great scripts in the near kisses section. :-)
-
#13
Wow, Oliver! Great story! Was on edge of my seat even while reading it. Great writing style, too. Very concise and put us THERE instantly, no messing about. LOVE IT! (And no nit picking, here :)
-
#14
This is a solid script, and really touches on emotive themes and ideas. Well done! One of the few well-thought-out scripts in the 50.
The only thing I'd suggest is a bit more 'character' for Dalton. I can almost see him as a Captain Jack Harkness (Doctor Who, Torchwood) type character with charm and swagger who turns quickly to seriousness when the situation asks for it. This would make his actions at the end all the more meaningful and beautiful. -
#15
Thanks, I really appreciate the kind words. I did put a lot of thought in to it, and I think having worked on a couple of other ideas for a while, I'd realised what you can and can't do in the space of 2-pages. Definitely more I'd like to have done with it, expand on certain things. It's very much an exercise in being concise and to the point for sure, while at the same time trying to maximise the emotion and drama, both in the story and characters. I really enjoyed the process though.
-
#16
One of the better written scripts and very gripping, well done.
What I would suggest is leaving out descriptions of the characters actions which would be best left to the actor and actress to determine. For example; the lines 'forcing a wry smile' and 'Dalton smiles as he claps her hands' are effectively telling the actor how to react rather than allowing it to be natural and having the action do the work. Furthermore, a 'Fade In' and 'Fade Out' is always important in scripts and even more so here as your screenplay ends on a cliffhanger and it feels as if there are more pages to come. Perhaps a 'Cut to black/credits' would have worked there. All in all though, good job. -
#17
Well done Oliver, a great story considering the time frame. I'm sure there will be an abundance of filmmakers competing for this screenplay, good work.
-
#18
Really nice. Creative, and leaves one hanging in expectation. Exquisitely painful. Great job.
-
#19
Good story. Enjoyed the suspense.
-
#20
This should be the one to end the film - well done. Am pleased to be in such talented company.
Andy (Friday, 13 June 2014)
Love it ! We will try to film the Dubai version next week !
Damian Mallon (Sunday, 28 October 2012 11:01)
Well, the film is complete and has been uploaded. I think we did a great job and I hope we did you proud, Oliver.
Damian Mallon (Friday, 24 August 2012 08:40)
Luke brings up all the points I thought myself.
The film now starts with our leading lady doing a monologue pointing out she is blind - not needed. There is now no point of reference for the dead guy - who is he?
I also agree with keeping Abigail calm, but this stage in proceedings, the initial panic has come and gone. The starting setup is Dalton continuing his reassurance. Then when Dalton starts to loose control, it is Abigail that brings him back.
Finally, and it's been said already, I prefer the first draft.
The story is great, most of the dialgue is great and the tension is great.
We're going to have a blast making this one. (I'm not appologizing for that pun either)
Hazel Meeks (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 10:22)
Fantastic Script, I want to make it!
I agree with Luke, I actually prefer the first draft. 100% would loose the lines about the mother no need for the added exposition. The story stands alone with the action.
Brilliant!
Peter Carruthers (Monday, 20 August 2012 01:43)
Superb! Really hope this gets the production value it deserves.
Would love to get your thoughts on my effort, 'Never Forget' If you get chance.
Oliver (Saturday, 18 August 2012 17:49)
Thanks Luke. Really appreciate it. Yeah, I get your point on the dialogue. That was my intention before, give somewhat of an explanation as to who the guy was, and I liked that it alluded to an internet date gone horribly bad, not least because I've had a few dodgy ones myself... not quite THIS bad though haha! It's good that film-makers can make either version though. Definitely didn't want her panicking. Her calmness makes her a far more interesting character, and not just for the audience. I never felt he'd bond with her if she was a complete emotional wreck, nevermind risk his life for her.
Luke Evans (Saturday, 18 August 2012 14:28)
Hey, huge fan of your script man. By far the best in my opinion - you've really embraced the format, so congrats! I actually like draft 1 much better. The lines about her mother... it's just screaming 'hey, audience, I'm blind!', when we really don't need that. Also, you've removed the reference to her would-be internet date. We're now left wonder who the hell the guy was dead on the footpath... her actual boyfriend? Some random? I think making a reference to him worked a lot better, and made the chemistry between the two characters much more engaging to witness.
Also, I'm glad you didn't listen to the producer developement note about making the girl more panic-y - that was a dumb suggestion. Her calmess is what makes her so interesting, to both us and the bomb expert. Just my 2 cents. Well done again!