Advice by Ross Aitken Draft 2

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Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

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Comments: 1
  • #1

    Ady (Tuesday, 21 August 2012 01:15)

    I like it a lot and it simply works plus it's funny

Advice by Ross Aitken Draft 1

A likely lad hoping to ask the woman of his dreams out gets all manner of bad advice from his friends.
Advice DRAFT 1.pdf
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Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author


1. We thought this was good comedy script but you need to inject it with more gags.You need to milk the comedy potential of this scenario. We want people coming out of the cinema, quoting your lines back to you.

2. The lines should be crisper, smoother and geniunely something that could work for a handsome, confident guy. The gag here is it is not working for the character because it is coming across as inauthentic. He is trying on different roles and only when he tries on "himself" does it work.

3. Consider changing the polar bear gag to something crisper and funnier - it takes up quite a bit of space on the page and the pace of this film is a little slowed by it. Change the arse, tit grabbing to a series of quick fire lines with different - equally bad for your character - endings, e.g. a slap, a drink in the face, a handbag over the head etc.


Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 9 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Kosha Engler (Friday, 03 August 2012 18:47)

    The idea works perfectly for a 2 page story, it's got a solid structure, fast pace and a clear beginning, middle and end. But David Ives's one act Sure Thing already deals with similar subject matter, in my view, to superb effect. I wanted some element in this story to be more specific to set it apart. Perhaps go further with the 'Englishness' - of the interaction - perhaps just a few dialogue tweaks to make it less generic? Well done.

  • #2

    Denise Mc Geown (Friday, 03 August 2012 19:57)

    Very simple, but effective. Haven't read David Ive's yet, but I liked this.

  • #3

    Ann Murgatroyd (Friday, 03 August 2012 22:04)

    Enjoyable, understandable (2nd reading) A lot to pack into 2 minutes.

  • #4

    Damian Mallon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 04:13)

    Simple idea and good humour, I like it. I got strong visuals for this on my first pass. The first transition will be the make or break point as it sets up the advice/hypothetical structure, but also has to reveal that we've started from a hypothetical.

  • #5

    Stephen Cooper (Saturday, 04 August 2012 23:57)

    It's a good idea, that i do really like but feel that a bit more can be done with it.

  • #6

    Andy Robinson (Sunday, 05 August 2012 12:24)

    Nicely done. Could work really well with a great set of actors that a feel for comic delivery, but a lot of the success will come from how well it is edited too.

  • #7

    Nigel (Sunday, 05 August 2012 18:47)

    Really liked this one. The (great) slapping section might benefit from quick reaction shots of Dave just rolling his eyes or shaking his head etc.

    Might be extra-funny if Rachel has really detailed knowledge of how thick the Arctic ice is.

  • #8

    Craig (Monday, 06 August 2012 19:37)

    This can work well but the chatup lines need reworking.

    The first one works for Mike so why doesn't just use that one, end of story. He has to start off cheesy.

    Does the poler bear jopk work? There are better ones.

    When Mike is kissing and grabing Rachel there should be a cut between each scene really to show it restarting each time.

    And where is it set, a hip-looing urban bar or a regular run-of-the-mill pub? We start of in two and end up in one.

    This is very close to working so good work.

  • #9

    Ross Aitken (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 12:21)

    Thanks for reading and all the comments.
    I had in mind a kind of Spaced/Edgar Wright type of style for this one, involving a lot of quick cuts and transitions.
    I get your point about playing up the Englishness of it. Perhaps making Mike a little more flustered in a Hugh Grant-esque way? A lot of that will come down to performance though.
    The idea is that the hip urban bar is the fantasy. The girl is on the other side of the pub and Mike's working up the nerve to talk to her. The hip urban look represents Mike being uncomfortable with what he perceives as the distance between himself and Rachel.
    You're right, the original line could've worked, but he's persuaded out of it by his well-meaning but ultimately hindering mate Dave.
    And indeed, there are a ton of cheesy chat-up lines that could work in place of the Polar Bear gag. I just liked the idea that she answered a hypothetical question. Could be 'Is your father a thief?' 'Apparently. According to HMP Wandsworth'. Or something.
    Technically, yes, there possibly should've been a new scene, or a 'CUT' between each slap, but that pushed me over the 2-page limit!
    Any and all thoughts welcome!
    p.s. Thanks for the David Ive tip - hadn't heard of him but will check it out