Never Forget by Peter Carruthers Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Never Forget by Peter Carruthers Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
“Never Forget” is a simple potent story. Just one note for filmmakers;
1. One note for the filmmakers – please be sensible when filmmaking this, especially the jump scene – make sure you get public liability.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Brutal ending, wow. Short and sweet. I like it!
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#2
Thanks Colleen :-)
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#3
Wow - a perfectly written piece. Leading on and on to the horrific ending. Well done!
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#4
Good twist.
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#5
Very well done, indeed.
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#6
Very powerful. Really liked this. A few thoughts. Could you perhaps foreshadow the dramatic ending a little more, therefore making it feel even more believable. When we cut to see Jason in the bar could we see his utter devastation. Hold on this poor man for a beat having to witness another man touching/kissing the woman he loves. Us seeing he’s dying inside. And could Lauren be a little more mystified/annoyed as to why he’s keeping her on the phone when she’s going to actually see him in a few minutes. Huge congrats.
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#7
Thanks so much Phil,I'm really glad you like it.
I suppose it's the actor in me that makes me resist being too heavy with stage directions when it comes to characters' emotional responses, I prefer to leave it up to the actors and director to make their own decisions on things like that, and perhaps just allow the actors to find something real and unexpected in the moment, after all the director can then correct it in further takes if he/she feels it won't read correctly on screen. I'm still relatively new to screenplay writing (I'm more familiar with writing for theatre really) and I've had disagreements with some other writers about how descriptive you need to be to ensure the visual story is clear. As an actor or director, I think I'd read this script and know instinctively that there needs to be an emotional reaction of some sort in the bar scene to make the suicide believable, whether that be devastation, rage, disbelief, etc. However, I'm still on a very steep learning curve with this and would love to know what other people think about this? -
#8
Wow. Far out (he says, in lieu of profanity). Tremendous. Congratulations - what a gut punch!!!
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#9
Thanks! :-)
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#10
Wow. Powerful. This is a fantastic piece. Just, wow again. Wow.
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#11
Thanks Damien! Wow is a good word :-)
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#12
An easy to visualise and arresting piece of work Peter - you addressed the theme full on and imaginatively and above all, for a short piece it had plenty of IMPACT. Hopefully will stand out from the others
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#13
A truly believable story, fantatstic impact on just 2 pages.
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#14
OK I'm biased....but I'm dead chuffed about this! I enjoyed reading it and can't wait to see it!
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#15
Thanks Trevor, Mike and my loyal Dad! I'm itching to get it made now. Bring on the script development stage!
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#16
Lovely that so many people are giving me 5 stars and such positive feedback. Had a few 3 star ratings though and just had a 2 star one (wowzer!) so would be useful to find out what these people's thoughts were too, might be useful when I move onto tweaking the script before people start making it. Come on people, give it to me, I can take it!
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#17
As others have said, it would be good to see the dramatic conclusion foreshadowed slightly - but I feel this is more for the Director and Actor involved to work on in terms of his reaction to the sight he sees, rather than something which should be tweaked in the script. The only feedback I could offer here that would be of any use to you is to reconsider your use of the 'beat'. It's commonly used by script writers wanting a brief pause in the dialogue but shouldn't be used that way as the delivery of the line is completely up to the actor. If you feel it's important to the script, at a push you could put 'pause'. Hope this helps and you don't think I'm just being pedantic. Well done
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#18
Thanks for the feedback Shaun,
I've had a quick look through it again and I think you're right about the beats, at least in this case anyway.
I think it was down to how I was hearing the lines in my head when I wrote it, but having looked again, it gives the actors more opportunity to play with it and react if the beats are removed, so I'll probably remove them when I get round to tweaking the script.
Thanks again
Pete -
#19
Hi. Well-written. Good dialogue. The ending should give a gut moving reaction for the viewer.
I understand what you say, about actors interpretation, etc., and there will always be interpretations different from what you intended, but it's your piece, so you should maybe show more of how characters are feeling. When you say - 'Eyes fixed', for example, are they fixed in a horrified manner, a soul-destroyed manner? I think, as you have created this world, you should consider being more specific; but it hasn't made for less of a screenplay.
It's just me, but as I was seeing the flashback I imagined it occuring at the end, after he lands on the concrete - swiftly before our eyes, ending with his fixed expression.
Eyes fixed in the restaurant...eyes fixed in death.
Stop me from being too dramatic! Great stuff.
What an exciting process for you!
All the best.
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#20
Thanks Milethia!
I like the idea of a 'flashback to the flashback' I'm sure it's something I'll mess about with and try in the edit when I make it. I'm going to make a version myself and see how it does compared to other people's efforts. Exciting times! :-) -
#21
Well done - the ending surprised me. Build up to it was nice.
Only comment I have is in regards to the dialogue - especially near the start. I'm not sure why - just seemed overly wordy between them. If you cut the words down and made it more clipped I wonder if the tension would rise even higher?
Just a quick example - and I'm really not trying to rewrite anything here - but I wanted to at least give you an example of what I'm trying to say so you can see if it works for you or not:
Lauren (VO): . . .chinese takeaway, bottle of red, noththi --
Jason(VO): You stayed in then.
Lauren(VO): I told you that.
Silence as we see Tara snogging one of the men on a sofa. The other man sits very close to Lauren on the next sofa, leaning into her.
Lauren (VO): Yeah?
Jason (VO). Yeah.
Or something like that.
Congrats though - really well done and can't wait to see it made.
Cheers,
Rob -
#22
This script has quite an "impact". I always believed that no man should marry a woman unless he was willing to die for her; however, this is not quite what I had in mind. I hated to see Jason give up his life for a woman unworthy of his love but I do have to respect the storyline. It takes courage to write something this dramatic (or intense in my case). Congratulations on making the top 50 Kisses. I will have to watch the film through slit fingers ; )
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#23
Thanks Rob, I'm just going through a re draft so I'll have a look at the dialogue again. Watch this space!
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#24
And thanks Laura, hope it's not too painful a watch for you!
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#25
Hi Peter
Shocking, very powerful - well done!
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#26
Nice surprise - thought he was going to kill her. Well done.
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#27
Loved this!
Write a comment
Reginald Pippin (Saturday, 25 August 2012 01:47)
A very powerful story..The ending was shocking!!!!
tom smith (Thursday, 30 August 2012)
what a selfish self centred idiot jason was for killing himself. I just thought - drama queen!
Peter Carruthers (Thursday, 30 August 2012 05:45)
I love that the script generates such varied opinions, especially with regard to Jason's actions. Is he selfish? Or is his decision an understandable reaction to the pain he feels after witnessing the betrayal of the love of his life? I hope the winning film sparks a debate rather than dictate an opinion either way.
What's more important is that people come out of the cinema asking themselves if it COULD happen, what might CAUSE it to happen, and what Lauren's life might be like after going through this.
Francesca (Monday, 10 September 2012 11:54)
I liked this. It was really easy to visualise the whole act from the stage directions. I saw it coming that he was going to kill himself but the way he 'hits the concrete in front of her' was really powerful. I'd love to see it on screen.
dean roberts (Thursday, 13 September 2012 08:06)
I would love to show this story on screen, it should impact the audience as sharp and vividly as the words so intimately do.
James West (Thursday, 20 September 2012 16:23)
I really liked the impact you made in 2 pages. Sent you an email. If the director making your film needs a few pounds to produce it, please let me know. I'd gladly support this.
James West
Jubeda (Monday, 01 October 2012 18:27)
Peter,
Aaaww the beauties you have up ya sleeve what a corka!! I loved ya first monologue I still remember! X
Alex (Tuesday, 16 October 2012 23:54)
I came to read your script after reading your rather inspiring blog post! I love that the story is thought provoking... I think it's a shame he kills himself as she's not worth dying for... but I also understand how painful such a betrayal can be... I also like to imagine what each character's backstory is which has led them to this point... Great script, well done!
Peter Carruthers (Wednesday, 17 October 2012 00:21)
Thanks for all your fantastic comments.
It's a massive boost that so many people get from the script what I hoped it would communicate.
Please feel free to click on my name and you should be linked to the website for my first film, 'Fallout'
Paul FitzSimons (Sunday, 11 November 2012 17:48)
Love it, Peter, love it. I actually said 'Oh Jesus' out loud at the last line. Well done sir.
Peter Carruthers (Monday, 12 November 2012 20:43)
Thanks Paul! Involuntary blasphemy is just the reaction I was going for! ;-)