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• #1

  Jaye (Friday, 20 July 2012 17:09)

  I enjoyed your script; I would think the only thing against it would be the production value. I don't think it is a script that can be produced on a micro budget.
  
  This: *We PULL BACK and watch as they slowly plummet towards the atmosphere, twin meteors with nobody to wish upon them.*
  
  Is an epic ending.

• #2

  Paul Holbrook (Friday, 20 July 2012 17:16)

  This is absolutely fantastic. Only thing possibly making it unsuitable for this comp is the production value.
  Perfectly written, with heart, emotion and class. Devine. Well done.

• #3

  Steve JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:10)

  Thanks for the kind words, guys.
  As for production costs. A couple of rented spacesuits, a green screen and somebody who knows their way around CGI. Feed him/her full of coffee and buns. Total cost: £5 7s 6d
  Sorted. :)

• #4

  orlando (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:15)

  with the exception of some on-the-nose dialogue, this is a great little story - and the last image, written above, is fantastic!

• #5

  Java (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:33)

  Beautiful, I loved the line about the final walk. So easy to visualise.

• #6

  Claire mockett (Friday, 20 July 2012 22:06)

  I think this is really lovely ... Great writing!

• #7

  Alison (Saturday, 21 July 2012 01:41)

  A great idea with the simplicity of their interaction set against a unique backdrop. And £5 7s 6d (++++ for the equipment, edit suite, software etc) aside, I think you could actually rework it to make it much less reliant on tech effects without losing anything and perhaps keeping the audience guessing about their actual circumstances until that final walk through the door i.e. no set up space shots but opening on CU with helmets (apparel not making it clear they're in space, could be motorbike helmets) already on (visors open) or under their arms, the following shots showing stark lab-like environment. Then when they step out and we realise where they've been and what they're actual doing, it's a big reveal. You still need the wherewithal to construct that final shot but that's much less tech work and a 'gasp' moment for the audience. Just an idea.

• #8

  Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 23:29)

  Show the dead earth at the end. It's only a 2 page script, you don't have to hook the reader at the start.

• #9

  Mitch (Sunday, 22 July 2012 17:12)

  Lets imagine this could be made on a micro budget. Imagine the talent required. Then you find out that someone else made it also and they've chosen their film! I know this is the game for all scripts, but it would REALLY hurt with this one. I know us writers can find this competition tough, but it'll be even tougher to make a film and not get through.
  
  Another potential issue with this script is that I suspected the final film may all be set on one day. The same day. This one wouldn't fit as the Earth is still alive and kicking in the other stories. Could be wrong about that though.
  
  That said, I enjoyed it a lot on the page.

• #10

  Nigel Sheppard (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:03)

  Great visual writing style Steven, I really felt this one.

• #11

  Márcia Mateus (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 01:52)

  Great visual descriptions and well written as well. Apparently you have "the budget issue" solved out, but it might scary potential filmmakers (unless you wanna do it by yourself). Still, it's nice to see someone thinking outside the box.