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• #1

  Pete (Friday, 20 July 2012 23:59)

  Well written enough, the tone reminded me of something like Kes or Billy Elliot, but "one of the things he always loved about her" shouldn't be in there. Nothing that can't be shot by the director/filmmaker should feature in the description. Not putting that stuff in gives space for stuff that's needed.
  
  Outside of that, I don't really get it. Didn't work for me. Whilst it is sad enough, and should be emotional, I don't see any kind of resolution or point to the story.
  
  Oh and you spelled 'breath' wrong on the title page. Keep trying!

• #2

  Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 13:52)

  Good effort Lorraine, although I was slightly underwhelmed by the reaction to the mother/wife's death. If that was my mother or wife, I'd do more than tell them I'd miss her. Although I know two pages is not enough to really put all you'd like in a script, there are bits that could have used less emphasis, and bits that could have used more. I second Pete's final words - keep going!

• #3

  Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 00:15)

  Be careful what you describe, the daughter looks at her mother every couple of minutes. We would have to sit and watch them for a long time. The story was prodictable, didn't go anywhere.