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• #1

  sallybrockway (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:30)

  Hi Joe,
  I enjoyed your script - here's a few things I think might make it even better.
  * Sue's role is purely expositional. Because she takes up almost a page, we don't get to spend that much time with Faith and therefore don't empathise with her as much as we might. Personally, I'd scrap Sue.
  * I think you could scrap the whole of page one as well and begin the drama on page two.
  * I think it would be more powerful to have Faith and Jim together after he has given her the pill - if he loved his wife so much, he would be there holding her hand as she passed away surely. Their clasped hands could be a potent image.
  * I felt it was a little too obvious as to where this was going. I would like to have been a bit more surprised by the ending. ie you could make it seem like another Valentine's Day and the twist is that Jim is going to kill Faith out of love.
  * As we end with feelings of loss and despair, it would be nice to begin on a note of hope and love. Then we'd REALLY feel the pain at the end!
  Hope this is helpful and well done for being brave enough to post up for feedback.
  Sally
  x

• #2

  Joe Cawley (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:40)

  Thanks Sally, all very pertinent comments and very clear to see what you mean now. Oh the power of hindsight!!

• #3

  Jaye (Friday, 20 July 2012 17:48)

  Ahhh, the ending. What a tear jerker. I enjoyed it, sorry you didn't get selected.

• #4

  Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:39)

  Bloody Norah. I'm welling up. Loved it.

• #5

  Java (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:05)

  I cried. So touching. I do agree about Sue. I found her presence initially confusing.

• #6

  Aaron (Saturday, 21 July 2012 13:13)

  A really great idea, I would agree with all the points Sally made. But if you are going to rewrite it maybe have Jim take the pill and sit in a chair in the room next to Faith. I think if two people who loved each other dearly had planned on joint suicide then they would want to be together. But these are just my opinions.

• #7

  Honey Wood (Saturday, 21 July 2012 13:45)

  Very sensitively written script - great idea, and agree about the character, Sue, she confused me. Loved it though, a really touching story written from a nice angle. All the best.

• #8

  Lee Bullen (Saturday, 21 July 2012 17:00)

  Nicely laid out. Very different direction to go for a 'kissing' specification, so well done for looking for an unexpected narrative. Plus I enjoyed the surprising ending. I think the points about Sue, and taking the pill next to Faith in the same room would really help make this even more powerful. All the best.

• #9

  Tami (Saturday, 21 July 2012 19:28)

  At the ending I sat with my mouth open. I didn't see the end coming at all. Great job!

• #10

  Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 22:27)

  Only having 2 people would make it more personal. They could spend more time together. Good endding.

• #11

  Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 08:09)

  The beginning is too long and takes valuable time away from us getting to know Jim and Faith together, seeing their love for each other and the direness of Faith's situaton. Who is Sue? I know she's Jim's sister, but who is she? Why have her there if there's no need for it. I echo the sentiments of those who've read before me, get rid of Sue and focus more on the real story at hand. It would make the story so much deeper and personal to the reader/watcher. Anyway, great, saddening ending. This script reminds me somewhat of mine (which should be posted on Near Kisses at some point today with any luck!)