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• #1

  Milethia (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 00:16)

  There's potential for a two-hander short about two people not connecting properly - one all for it, the other unable to connect emotionally - but I think that this short is a little too short. There doesn't appear to be much of a story - beginning, middle and end - as it is presently written. It begins, there's some character conflict, then it seems to end in mid-air, whereby there's a feeling that something else should happen, but it doesn't, almost like the end of an act in a play, when I'm waiting expectantly for act 2.
  
  When you introduce each character, you can afford to do so on a separate line.
  
  Your first paragaph could be split up, so room description has its own paragraph.
  
  'We can guess that they were celebrating a special occasion.'
  
  Lines like this are redundant in a screenplay. You should show that a special occasion happened through the visuals you use, like... well you do say, 'especially decorated (specially) with flowers and lighted candles.'
  
  I know that you only use 'We' once, but I would suggest trying to avoid using 'We' when writing.
  
  
  'The Bitter Script Reader' said this about the use of 'we'. "My feeling is that 90% of the time it's redundant. Your action descriptions are supposed to be all visual, so if you're writing it, the assumption is we're seeing it. After all, you don't write "We hear" before every line of dialogue, do we?"
  
  Begin the script with 'FADE IN' and then 'FADE OUT' at the end.
  
  All the best.
  
  
  

• #2

  Márcia Mateus (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 13:27)

  Thanks Milethia. There are some good points that I'll definitely pay attention on.
  All the best to you as well.