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• #1

  Elizabeth Ditty (Friday, 27 July 2012 02:28)

  This was cute! Neat twist at the end, too. Nice work!

• #2

  Milethia (Friday, 27 July 2012 12:24)

  Well done with this. Potential here. I like the twist ending, although I must admit to an 'Ah!' moment when I realised that it was a film set, so the characters weren't really getting together. You could turn it on its head again by having a moment - perhaps where the character playing Hope sits down and looks at the actor playing Dan, after the director has given notes, and reveals through a look that she, too, like the character she plays, likes the actor playing Dan - something like that.
  
  Some formatting points. You capitalise where no capitals are needed. Rules for capitilisation in screenplays are when you first introduce characters and sounds. Don't use capitals for all the action moments.
  
  Also, try to split up long speeches - like Dan's - with some visuals, like Hope's reaction,. reaction of her friend, etc. Otherwise it reads more like a play would. Think visuals constantly - what the viewer will be seeing.
  
  Here are links to free sciptwriting softare:
  
  http://celtx.com/
  
  I’ve never used this, but for a review of how well it works, go to: http://www.filmweavers.com/blog/template_permalink.asp?id=104
  
  http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/scriptsmart/scriptsmart_gold.shtml
  
  This has a free formatting tool – ScriptSmart Gold.
  
  http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/CL102209809.aspx?tl=2#ai:TC001018636|
  
  A template to be used in word.
  
  All the best with your writing.
  

• #3

  Su Hoyle (Monday, 30 July 2012 01:35)

  I really liked this! Fun read, moved right along, and I loved twist and the dialogue between the office mates at the opening. Only suggestion is to break up Dan's longest piece of dialogue. This should have made the short list, I think. Best wishes for success with all your writing.

• #4

  Ellyn Heeley (Monday, 30 July 2012 15:53)

  Thank you all for the comments and taking the time to give me feedback on it, good luck to anyone still left in the competition!

• #5

  David Oguntona (Monday, 30 July 2012 21:26)

  I enjoyed this a lot. When Dan turned up to the office with the laptop I was thinking to myself about the airport scene in 'Love Actually' and that this does read like something that only happens in the movies...............lol to find it is happening in the movie I chuckled to myself thanks for a lovely read
  
  

• #6

  Ellyn Heeley (Thursday, 02 August 2012 11:10)

  Thanks David!

• #7

  Sarah Cooper (Thursday, 02 August 2012 16:13)

  A great read - kept me on the edge of my seat and wanting to know what would happen next. Beautifully written, a very clever twist and real characters.

• #8

  Jade Blair (Sunday, 19 August 2012 21:57)

  Great idea hun :-)

• #9

  Alex Straker (Thursday, 23 August 2012 02:35)

  A really well-executed idea - I think I'm just echoing a lot of what has already been said! I think it's great that you've written a script that's also commenting on movies and 'reality'.

• #10

  Ellyn Heeley (Thursday, 23 August 2012 22:02)

  Thank you all for your lovely comments!