Hardest Part of Love by Nicholas Burman-Vince
Sofia is on her way to University, when her father suddenly dies. Should she go or stay to look after her wheelchair bound mother? What sacrifice is her mother prepared to make?
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Vandana (Monday, 30 July 2012 18:43)
Touching. Makes me want to know what happens next. How Sofia tides through this dark phase? Written in a very gripping style. I did find two places where the dialogues were a bit overbearing. One when Sofia explains why she is carrying everything and the other is the time aunt talks.
Milethia (Monday, 30 July 2012 22:43)
This piece is quite tragic. As I was reading it, I imagined it with less dialogue, as it currently feels dialogue heavy, and a lot of what you write could be done so visually. For another draft I would try stripping back your dialogue.
Perhaps experiment with having the sequence with Mirabelle and her father dialogue free.
INT. SOFIA'S HOME - DAY
There are 3 Valentine's cards on display, mixed in with
condolence cards. The Valentine's cards are from Sofia's
parents to each other, with one from her to them.
MIRABELLE, Sofia's aunt, examines these 3 cards as she
speaks. Sofia's mother, ANNA, sits in a wheelchair.
In the section above you need to show the cards. By that I mean, at present, you say there are cards from such a person to another. Make this more visual. What are the words in the card? Mirabelle could peer at one; we see the words she reads, as she speaks; or she opens one so we see the words. This will show the love Mirabelle's parents had for each other.
A minor thing, but don't forget FADE IN at the beginning, and FADE OUT at the end.
All the best with your writing.