Darwin Franks (Saturday, 11 August 2012 02:04)

Hi Simon
You held back the surprise well by setting up a completely different tone on page 1. What stops the twist from feeling satisfying though is the lack of emotional engagement. I'm not exactly sure if this is a hit or a revenge killing. You need to clarify this more in the script. I think it would be much stronger if it had a more personal angle to it, so that the deception she pulls off (both ways) and the act itself requires that much more strength of will and determination. It would also feel that much more satisfying if she expressed some form of emotion (relief, bitterness, self-loathing) having done it. A little bit of hesitation or clumsiness, something to indicate she's an amateur - though obviously determined - will strengthen her character enormously. Tom's dialogue is too on the nose and the exposition stands out. You need to hone in more to the truth of that scene from his perspective as well; give him some character not just a backstory. This story depends on (is driven by plot) but plotwise, you have a big problem with your ending - because getting rid of the phone is not in any way going to cover her tracks. Overall I think my take home message is: think more about your protagonist's motivation, and what changes she undergoes in this story moment. Think about how best to leverage the rest of your cast to bring that out. And then crank out another draft. All the best, Darwin.