'Smasheroo' by Anothershortfilm
(United Kingdom) Third Edit
Read 'Smasheroo' HERE
Third Cut Comments... have YOUR say!
'Smasheroo' by Anothershortfilm
(United Kingdom) First Edit
Our team name is 'Anothershortfilm' and we're in the UK. The film was made on a small budget with a crew of two, and we filmed using a Canon XL1 and edited the film using Final Cut Pro. It was a challenge to make Hoodle the cat walk in one direction. The actors are Gillian Morris and Craig Stratton.
First cut: Producers notes for the filmmakers
- Needs a look as it feels lit right now – try desaturation
- Trim, it’s long in places
- For once, I am suggesting adding music, something very simple, a few notes on a piano for instance, nothing too complex or manipulative
First Cut Comments... have YOUR say!
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#1
Would seriously consider adding a score to it. Just something to add to the emotion of the story. Would try and shave at least thirty second from it as well. Don't overly think you need the cat shot at the end.
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#2
Very sweet. I want to give that girl a hug. Maybe though to cute to effectively shoe what has happened to her. I would think about losing the pee sound effect as its a bit crude. I think if you don't get into the final cut because I think others have played the illness more realistically you should still congratulate yourself on a very well acted endearing little short.
For me this looked like a stage play rather than a film and thats fine. I don't think adding music will add to it although you could try.
One thing I would mention with the camerawork and that is in some shots you have framed him in the centre and her over the shoulder and no obvious reason for doing this in fact because its a close up it's actually like a POV shot. -
#3
Thank you for the comments about Smasheroo, these are really useful. I showed the girl in recovery, as indicated in the script, and the severity of the smash of the head is up to each film-maker to convey. As a consequence I did not show an illness but more of a recovery with optimism and hope. She can talk clearly but she gets confused. I think there is a danger to make the girl look too ill, with over emphasis on the condition and this can be depressing. I read the script as if she is 'getting better every day" as quoted in the script, and I wanted to make it emotional but positive.
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#4
Sorry Anne thats what I mean't a recovery. You have achieved what you set out to do.
I'd just like to correct one thing I said which was the pee was a bit crude What I should have said is that in a hard core drama it would be fine but the film is so sweet it kind of seems out of place.
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#5
I agree with the above about the pee sound, it made me feel a little bit comfortable to be honest. It's probably more down to personal opinion, but just letting you know that at least I felt that way.
I would suggest, by the way, letting the audience see what it is she is doing with her fingers when asking about a 'bathroom in the bathroom'. It is her finger actions which makes Jay ask whether she means a phone or calculator and without seeing them his words seem to come from nowhere. -
#6
It's interesting to me, having written the script and then revised it for one of the directors, to compare this version with the other that's been submitted. This one is much closer to the original script, much more as I first imagined the hallway, the bathroom, and even what I might call the actress's "lightness of being." When my wife went through this, she was sort of floaty, with lightweight emotions that didn't really fit the gravity of the situation and often didn't match what she was saying. I couldn't really get all that dissonance into a two-page script, but Anne Misselbrook seems to have intuited it and captured some of it here.
I like that the couple gets up and goes to the mirror, as written. I always imagined the mirror moment as a catalyst to the woman understanding that she's had a head injury. In the other version, the whole scene takes place as they're sitting. It works, especially in the very intimate, close-up way it's shot, so I'm not saying either version is better in this regard. They're just very different in mood and texture and feel (the other version also includes a number of script revisions and flashback material shot in super-8). It's remarkable to see how differently two directors and two sets of actors approach the same basic story.
I will say that the other version benefitted from having addressed producers' notes and participant feedback. The second cut he submitted was a great improvement over the first. The suggestions here about desaturation, music, and some judicious trimming could help this one a lot. -
#7
James I think these are two very fine films Going to be difficult to choose.
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#8
Thank you James for your comments. I filmed Smasheroo as you had written it because, in my opinion the script didn't require any revisions, as it has everything required to make a lovely short film. I am glad that I captured the dissonance.
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Andy Robinson (Monday, 19 November 2012 14:34)
This edit is certainly an improvement. The music helps the film, and I think there are some new insert shots (or previously unused footage) that has helped to compress the story - well done.